one post, two topics, much typing, sleep needed, coffee had

Hehehe. Unusually i am not typing this post accompanied by my 'evening coffee', I have already made myself and drunk a tasty cappucino.

Not that anyone cares about my love of caffeine, sorry. Two topics are presented through this post, both are from notes i have made on my mobile phone.

I get annoyed, no upset, distressed, sympathetic. Oh I don't know how I feel when traveling around town (maybe Surbiton, Kingston, wherever), and i pass another wheelchair user. It is often depressing, seeing very glum, sad faces from other users. But, is it wrong that I may find this uplifting, as I know we (wheelchair users) are similar in our dependancy, but very different. People may look sad, but then everyone must in order to be happy. One feeling cannot exist without the other.  I regularly am forced to recognise that everyone is different, and everyone has their own level of problems. It may sound strange, but I think that in the fifth year since my accident, I think I have only just learnt to accept facts. Everyone has problems, it is how we react to the problems and can use problems to our best ability, that we accept our level of happiness.

I think.

hmmmmm.

Anyway, second point. I basically want to show my support/belief in 'Shuffle anxiety'. Jarvis Cocker (superb dj and Pulp frontman) is often credited, with coining the term.

When you put your iPod on shuffle at party or social gathering and you project yourself forward thinking "What's it going to play next?"  

Guy 1: "Dude this is awesome. Those songs transitioned into each other perfectly. I wonder what it's gonna play next"
Guy 2: "Oh no, what is it gonna play next?! Will it be as good?!?"
Guy 1: "Dude you're getting Shuffle Anxiety"

Personally, I think that this is a very very good observation of the situation people find themselves in when listening to music in a shuffled mode. I won't bore everyone with yet another belief on the activity of listening to music, but i want to warn people that listening in a shuffled mode has its problems.

more gifts...

To be fair, it may be considered a 'cheap' or 'poor excuse' for a week's post, but should be considered a bonus. I want to share with you two 'YouTube links' to pieces that have recently caught me as a big fan. I, yet again, will not introduce them (in doing so, enforcing a mood upon you) and instead, let you have the wonder of maybe hearing them for the first time, so that you can create your own opinions.
Top quality:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDdmaVcTm8U

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ltYq-jalYm0

enjoy

the world keeps turning

I have made a note on my phone to remind me to: 'stop comparing life to how it was or I had it pre-accident. Things have changed. DEAL WITH IT!!!'

So, here lies my third and final post of the day (and probably week). I just want to state that I remember things (obviously) despite my bang on the head, but the world keeps turning, and i know that things change with time, I needed to learn that not all is exactly how it was. I now lived currently, with physical disability. I am incredibly lucky that this is the only affect (do i mean 'effect', who knows). Arsenal have still not won a trophy yet, grrrrrr.
I should stop comparing elements of my lifestyle before Oct-2006, to current situations. Everything in the world has grown older, things change/evolve with time. I missed out on 6-months, but hey, nothing really. I remember of how I originally thought my physical disabilities were simply due to 6 months lack of use, but as my physio developed, i became aware that i had lost certain neurological functions, which need to be developed again from scratch. We can only learn from experience, but things have changed. Life did happen pre-accident, but i am told to learn a lot of things from scratch, as 'things have changed'. Doh!

I type the above section with the ability of looking back upon these times. I cannot imagine how scary it would be to view a friend, relative, whoever, going through this, with total uncertainty. In that respect, I am lucky that I was the patient.   

neutrality + positivity - negativity = positivity

i make no music reference this time, but i make up with by having a brew of good, black coffee. As anyone does, i like to look at the positives. The only thing that we get from negatives, is to find where things went wrong and how we can find a positive to neutralise it.

Hmmm, i think that makes sense. Anyway, i tend to think that i am lucky that i am here (as you should know), and I like to consider absolutely everything as a bonus. Whether something is thought of by most as either good or bad, i would like to think of it as a positive, because I really shouldn't be here but i am. Hmmm. I have just typed and deleted a strange mathematical way of trying to explain this. I failed. Maybe, consider life at 0. Bad things are minus (so 0> -100). Lets say something bad has happened, = -50. To neutralise it (bring back to 0) we need a positive of +50. So, we need to search for positives, we can easily find  +50, so, do. We end up experiencing +50!!

Right, got that? Its really simple, kind-of obvious, and a kind-of waste of time to type, but hey. By using this mentality, i realise that i haven't lost due to my accident and current physical disability, but drastically gained a lot. A positive mentality is the only way that anyone/anything survives.   

Ramblin' man

There we go, I have already made my music reference. I got it out of the way in the naming of the title. It's the name of my favourite track off of the 'Ballad of the Broken Seas' album, by Mark Lanegan and Isobel Campbell. Quality.

Right, not that all really care about my tastes (everyone has their own). I have made a lot of notes, so have a lot of stuff to talk about this week, lucky lucky you.

I must warn that at the moment I do not have coffee, so, it is just me talking, not the caffeine. I actually took myself to the doctors on monday getting her to check my blocked ear, I then changed the issue, asking her, how much was too much coffee? I was much relieved by her answer, and feel safe, at the moment!
Anyway, I had an interesting trip on monday. Given an uplift, and then knocked back down. As I left the cafe, I passed an elderly, frail woman, walking with a zimmer frame. She looked entirely knackered, walking in the cafe, so i gave her a wide berth as i passed. As i passed, she smiled at me, we both recognised and respected each others difficulty, and just happily told me to "keep smiling".  
On this, I realised that i was smiling, and was able to see the positive effect of something so important and yet so simple, the smile.
On leaving the cafe, I went down the high street, busy in the sun as it was. I was brought back down to earth as i noticed shop assistants shoving flyers in peoples' chests. As i went past I was initially relieved that they had missed me out. But then, I always get omitted, realised this and felt offended. Do I not count? Maybe their shop is not accessible. Why do I not count, am i not a human being? GGRRRR.
Still, my flyer would go straight in the bin anyway, they lose. I am stressing out as i remember, forget, ignore.    
   

Life is tough, for everyone

Although i often use posting on this blog, as an uplift (it forces me to think and therefore type positively), i feel it is coming towards the end of its life, as i am not always willing to live in a fake, wonderful, happy universe.

I have moved forwards a long way since my hospital, bed-ridden life of 22 and 23 years old. I was at an age in life where most have finished education (which i had, sort of), people begin to work, live independently or with a partner, get married. I was trapped in a hospital bed, surrounded by everyone telling me of how lucky i was!

What? No NO NO NO NO. I did not feel incredibly lucky at that point. I had just gone on a weekly bicycle ride, with my club, then I wake up in this hospital crippled, being told that I have had a 'Severe Traumatic Brain Injury'.

Great. I know that I can't walk yet, but am constantly told of how lucky i am. I am confused. This wasn't in the plan. My girlfriend was close to me, but not literally. We were sort of on the verge of splitting up pre-accident, but stayed together, because mentally we were close. Whilst in hospital, i was given the support of knowing that soon i'd be out of hospital and therefore 'better'. I was warned that rehabilitation was a 'long road'. I had no fear as I expected this, and realised that anywhere was an improvement on life in hospital ward (good though the RHN is). I then battled through three years of living in rehabilitation homes, in a positive mood as I realised how important my mood can be. I reached the age of 24, 25, 26, but i realised i was on a journey moving through 'peak years'(maybe), away from various friends and without having a social life. I have now moved on, out of rehabilitation homes, but this does not mean that rehabilitation has stopped. Although I am in a wheelchair, only this fact and my own mind should barrier me from having a social life. Problem, I am the only one of my friends who have lived like this over this past half-decade. I realise that life has continued, and everyone has ventured off on different routes.

I was sat in a cafe having lunch today (something i dreamt about doing less than a year ago), transfixed by a woman opposite. She looked worried, upset, stressed out. I tried unsuccessfully to check if she was ok. But anyway, I tried hard to mind my own business, so i did. As someone else walked out of the cafe with leg strapping on, hidden beneath her skirt, I realised that although it is fairly obvious that I have a physical disability, living in a wheelchair, everyone has their problem. After eating, i asked if the woman opposite was alright. She was, she had just been revising over notes before a job interview, and she was not English, so very nervous.

Life is tough, for everyone, but sometimes the rewards are worth it. 

Gifts....

Although I had a little 'time off' after describing events leading up to my cycling accidents (i do have a very scary one that i will try to keep personal), I realised that i was allowed time-off as it's more realistic (although not quite the same as 6 months in a scary coma), so generous that i am, I provide youtube links to two very personal songs by 'all-time heroes'. I do not entitle them, to find out, you'll have to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MH6TJU0qWoY
I remember telling my music therapist in the RHN at Putney how to play it, as i remembered the guitar chords. Admittedly it is only about 4 or 5 chords, but it had been played so much, it was ingrained into my brain, and survived a coma!
(live version)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MzvgXRLxw9A

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RAYbwvGbI2c

This, although an older song, has been more recent to affect me. Many of the artist's songs mean a great deal to me, this is often used by myself to shake some sense into me, and teach me how to think straight.