Welcome to my blog. I post on this, roughly once a week (it does vary). I sustained a 'Traumatic Acquired Brain Injury', and a six month coma from a 'road traffic accident' whilst cycling, in October 2006. I spent the following 4 years (22-26yrs old), in a combination of hospitals and rehabilitation homes. Now, I have been living independently in Surbiton, England since October 2010. This blog begun life in December 2010, as i realised that there are many people worldwide that i want to share experiences with. I know that, as a wheelchair user, I am obviously not as mobile as i wish, so, use the internet to connect to you. I enjoy letting my thoughts represent through type. I type honestly. As numerous readers, as well as email recipients, will understand, I find typing to be very therapeutic. Thank you :)
Please note that this website cannot be viewed 100% successfully everywhere. It is designed for optimum viewing on a screen of 1920 x 1080 pixels.




click image for original scale

Friday, 20 July 2018

Hollywood Climb



It is that time of year!
One of the most famous climbs for cyclists, was included in this year’s route. 
Le Tour tackled the famous Alpe D’Huez, yesterday, although I wrote much of this post, earlier in the week.
My last year as an active cyclist, was the same year that I made a ‘pilgrimage’ to watch the Tour de France, ascending the classic climb in 2006.
I reached Bourg D’Oisans (town at the foot of the mountain), anticipating the following thirteen thousand, eight hundred metres of climbing, with great eagerness.
Alpe d’Huez 13km.




Below, race leaders Damiano Cunego (Lampre), and Franck Schleck (CSC), approach summit of Alpe D'Huez, 2006.


Around just the first few hairpin/switchback bends, of 21 in total...
...My lifelong dream was standing, immediately ahead of me. I was still only at the foot, but enjoyed it so much. I wanted to accelerate, but I didn’t want to rush this experience away. Honestly, I don’t remember feeling pain, I was forever able to look around and realise where I was! This is cycling! I realised that it was my destiny. A lifelong lover of the French Alps, a lightweight, skinny, 21 year-old cyclist who was obsessed with professional cycling, I knew that I was made for this! As expected, a vast range of fans filled the bottom, but those cycling up, all recognised the pain that they were about to endure! The number of fans on the lower slopes was mind-blowing! The Dutch own this place, and they definitely know how to throw a party! At no point did I doubt myself, I just knew that I must continue. I didn’t bother counting down the corners, it is a place with such a special history, I didn’t want to ruin the experience by dismissing sections with such enthusiasm! ‘Masochistic’, maybe, but I knew that I was a ‘grimpeur’ (climber). Ok, I was never the fastest sprinter, or a strong ‘rouleur’ (powerful rider on the flat), but I was used to watching most other riders fall behind me, on a climb. The Alpe D’Huez was my climb, not too long, but steep enough! :)




I was going to include a video for the new Muse track, simply because I love the band. Muse are one of the greatest live performers that I have seen. However, I decided against the new track ‘Something Human’. The video is readily available on YouTube, if wanted.

Another track which entitles a forthcoming album is also one of a regular artist that has been promoted on this blog.
Marissa Nadler
‘For my crimes’ album released 28 September 2018

This week’s post is short, concentrated on L’Alpe d’Huez, as I am still a lover of cycling, and I can cite my past experience here, as a ‘lifetime peak’!
I may never experience anything like that again, so I hold my memories close, with pride.

I have drawn many analogies regarding psychologies of cyclists and my ‘Traumatic ABI recovery’, this is where many are set, but, stored in my mind! Any issue that I face now, may be seen as ‘the next hairpin’. The brilliant nature of these mountain climbs are the hair-pins. A cyclist can easily break the mountain down, into manageable chunks. This is a key psychological ability, that I have to rely on, tackling all problems.


Above poster depicts the essence of the cobbled stage finish into Roubaix.
Below, the poster representing BMC's Team Time Trial win, stage 3.

A couple of posters for this 2018 Tour De France, designed by Bruce Doscher.


Even today, a bottle of Orangina is NEEDED by myself, after a 100% gym bike workout!



Friday, 13 July 2018

I often wonder

I sit and wonder, I often wonder
I sit and wonder about the things she does
I sit and wonder, I often wonder
I've been waiting for this moment to come
And she's the teacher and I'm the pupil but I ain't learning anything at all
Now I' m falling into the black hole and I can barely feel the sun
Yeah I sit and wonder, I fall to pieces
I've been waiting for her to come
A bed of roses, her cheeks like peaches
Yeah I ain't going to wait no more
Give me some light, give the light, yeah give me some light, give me some light
Well writes a passage, we are mistaken, yeah 
Some are going to break into stone, 
The door is open and I am reaching, yeah 
It looks like a prodigal son
Yeah give me some light, give the light, yeah give me some light, give me some light
God give me the light, give me the light, yeah give me some light, give me some light
I've been there doing it to my mind Lord
Something is going on inside my head Lord
Something is going on inside my head Lord

I sit and wonder

My new mentality 
The title of this note is incorrect. No-one can have an entirely ’new-mentality’. As with everything, it depends on how close you zoom in to focus, or how wide you broaden horizons, at focus point. One’s mentality is only ever reached through a culmination of elements that they, or others, have experienced. We can only gain knowledge from ourselves and others, anything else can only ever exist conceptually. 
Therefore my mentality is something I can be proud of, realising how it has kept my mind thinking straight, under extreme anguish. Everyone should be proud of what they do. The world can be a terrible place, but it is such a special and unique place, we are enforced to treat it with the respect it deserves. Unfortunately, not everyone does. But have faith, ‘what goes around, comes around’! Earth is round, billions of people, but it only has one face.

As you may know, I seem to have been reading a lot more philosophical essays than I had done previously. Although I currently seem focussed on reading essays by George Orwell, last year I enjoyed reading some intense books by Albert Camus and Jean Paul Sartre, explaining existentialist theories. Existentialism is a way of thinking that I have my mind set (certainly since accident, maybe long before).  

I am not an existentialist, but I find it to be a heavy influence on my mentality.
I have never been ‘broken’ by my injury. ‘Physically damaged’, yes, but I had long accepted, since my teenage years, that my love of cycling ‘must have a negative side’! I had long accepted this, but I knew that I was a cyclist and extremely grateful for everything it gave me. I still am. Elements still do.
On accepting this possibility, I seemed to always feel comfortable, but sad that nothing is 100% forever. 
It was when awakening from my coma, and I was surrounded by people telling me how seriously injured  I was, I knew that I had felt the ’negative side’ of cycling. Yet I loved it so much, I always will. It made Patrick Goodacre who he is, and who Patrick Goodacre continues to be. A wheel is round.

This blog is an extremely therapeutic tool for me. I write, so that I can accurately express issues on my mind. OK, this could be done through Art or Design, but I would remain unclear regarding how many people i am communicating with. OK, everyone  is just ‘a number’, but I know that a large number is good, leaving me feeling that yet more gratitude is owed to you all!

I would lay in bed, in hospital, troubled, but I would regularly receive praise from everyone, for how ’positive’ I was!  This continued throughout my early rehabilitation. I think, as expected, people are used to me now. I have not changed, yes I desperately want to be seen as ‘positive’, but I am just me. I have a constant ache inside, which I am used to, and has been there for the past 11 years. The ridiculous thing is that I receive physiotherapy and know that with time, I will succeed. My physical ability is improving dramatically, and goals will be achieved. However the internal ache, I feel now and I cannot see an end.

The World Cup
I write this post on Friday. The final will be Sunday. I am English, yet surprisingly I felt 100% in support of our national team (i have a history of supporting others)! We did well, and I am so happy that the squad was selected as ‘a squad’, not necessarily a pick’n’mix of individuals. Southgate was very correct in using a team of players who are young, are growing together, without relying heavily on the performance of individuals. I have never felt so comfortable as this year, in watching an England team stroking the ball to each other. There was a very welcome sense of confidence in every player! 
Thank you England!
The link below was forwarded to myself, by a friend, just ahead of the Semi-Final. It is an excellent piece, explaining clearly a new mentality for the whole nation of supporters...

Le Tour de France 2018 5 key stages


New Fiorentina strips.
A classic home strip with violet shirt, incorporating black shorts. For the recent years, the team has used violet (or white) shorts. I like the aesthetics of this scheme, however I am alarmed by political connotations that could be drawn from this.
Geographically, the city is split into quarters. Each with very strong historical identities... 
Although violet could be seen as combined collection of primary colours, there are 4 away strips, representing the 4 quarters of Florence. Red, Blue, Green, and White.


A rough, coloured map, depicting the four quarters of Florence. A city which continues to use a rich Violet coloured home shirt.





Must watch...

Friday, 6 July 2018

standing on the edge

Lille
Centre-ville 






Lille cathedral


Reflective exterior of Lille Musee des Beaux Artes (incredible)


I type this, the day after I returned from a ‘short-break’, in Lille. North-Eastern France may not seem for some, to hold such ‘Gallic-flair’, as Paris, or the South Provençal regions, but Lille is still yet another beautiful city. 
A lifelong cycling fan, I was ready for the many cobbled streets (Roubaix is only a neighbouring town, yet finale of the infamous old ‘Hell of the North’ race).
Much of the city centre was cobbled yet still pedestrianised so I was still allowed to feel free in my powered wheelchair. The key is to let the wheelchair (or bicycle) take the shocks, but not your body as well! Don't remain fixed in the saddle or collapsed back in the chair!
I am not an expert at either, but was able to recognise what was needed!
My joy reached an insurmountable level, when I discovered a ‘Bialetti Shop’. I was in dreamland!






It had been six years since my previous visit abroad (‘crazy’ perhaps?).
I needed to dip into some French culture, to aid my sanity! After visiting very regularly before my accident, only twice in the past 11 years. Twice in 2006 (including for ‘le Tour’, then a late summer visit). Although many ‘Italian phrases‘ were incorporated into French that I spoke, by accident, I found that a lot of my knowledge still existed ‘subconsciously’.



My problem.... I am unwilling to face one of my biggest problems. Women are not attracted to someone who relies on ‘State payment’. 
I have always maintained that I faced a difficult problem. I forever felt that my physical disability must be tackled initially. The plan was to then search for correct employment once ‘done’.
Since my accident, I have worked ‘voluntarily’, but ‘paid’ a couple of times as well. I am not ready to work in a full-time job. Part-time, voluntary work is not sufficient...
I am lucky. I HAVE TO BELIEVE IN MYSELF. I HAVE TO RELY ON LUCK.
I feel my luck could change. It’s gonna be a glorious day. We are standing on the edge...
  
Lucky

Perhaps this note is a ‘tell tell sign’, that I have matured from a child’s age. I no longer view World Cup matches on TV, easily identifying the stadium. The Stade Velodrome of Marseille, used in World Cup ‘98, was where Bergkamp hit that wonder-goal against Argentina. I also remember a penalty by David O’Leary, scoring at the Stadio Luigi Ferraris, in Genoa in 1990 (I think)?
However, now, all new stadiums are completely lacking of character, it seems. All have to meet similar standards, with regards to capacity, transport, safety, media facilities, and ACCESSIBILITY! Thumbs down, but thumbs up!

It may surprise some that I have remained quiet regarding my favourite sport.
Le Grand Depart est demain!
Eurosport and ITV are where I will be glued for the next three weeks!
One key stage, of many will be the new, intriguing, very short, explosive stage in the Pyrenees, Stage 17. Riders are to start in a grid position, depending on overall position! Stage finishes in Roubaix, and of course, L'Alpe d'Huez promise dramatic racing.



Friday, 29 June 2018

Battle Ahead!

It’s gettin' better man


It is unfortunate that England lost last-night, however the positive aspects are shouting out to me. I think that all but one country felt in a similar, positive mood, on Wednesday afternoon...

It was late Wednesday afternoon, the football had finished, my friend drove past me,  near home.  We greeted, whilst I was wearing THE BIGGEST GRIN :) ...
‘Why do you look so over-the-moon?’ I was quizzed.
She was showing similar joy, ‘Oh, Germany...’
I explained that I will not celebrate the loss-of-a-team, so, my true congratulations go to Sweden and Mexico.
But... c’mon!




Sir Paul McCartney Carpool Karaoke



A very interesting web resource discovered this past week, the TLS provide two articles that I wish to share here. Primarily, I researched an article regarding Friedrich Nietzsche...

'After all, if it is bad to suffer, then all your efforts should be devoted to avoiding suffering; and if it is good to be happy, then, that should be the aim of everything you do. But human excellence is compatible with neither the pursuit of happiness nor the flight from suffering.'
Brian Leiter


The second article that caught my interest was an article regarding the current World Cup, in Russia. Ostrovsky explains many of the political issues that Putin has worked, played, used, and triumphed in. 
Bloody games


This is the 21st Century, and this disgusting problem STILL EXISTS! 
Why has society not evolved?

  
“You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life.” 
Albert Camus

George Orwell can be considered to have been one of the most forward-thinking authors of recent times, philosophically and politically. Throughout much of my latest read ‘The Lion and the Unicorn’, political events that he predicts are all unerringly accurate, despite written midway through World War 2.



More George Orwell quotes

A few of Camus quotes, chosen and presented by myself…







Our world has evolved with such progression, over the last century. The consecutive World Wars seemed to leave many feeling ownership of a ‘blank canvas’. Hundreds of  thousands have been lost, passed away in wars since. Wars against humanity. We fight ourselves, to the death. Why?
We are now living in the Third Millennium, we must look forward progressively, not behind us at ‘our historical enemies’. We must not split into neighbouring countries, we are ONE. We are ONE WORLD.  We must recognise our needs. Everyone in EVERY COUNTRY needs Earth’s climate. Battle ahead!
Want to fight?
We must fight to save our climate and ourselves. The enemy? Ourselves. We can win this, easily, if we choose. We will only lose if we remain inactive.

Friday, 22 June 2018

in motion

Recent world news concerning a certain Donald Trump, has given me no choice but to edit my article, that I had written last week, regarding his proposed July visit. He seems to be successfully splitting the globe up. I don’t like it, no-one should. Britain should not let him parade his ‘insular’, ‘regressive’ triumphs here. He is not progressive, and MUST NOT be applauded for such.
———-Trump edit

This is MY blog, so it should not be a surprise at all, that I talk about myself! I know that my physiotherapist agrees with me, when I state... 
‘Sometimes, what’s holding me back, is that I think too much!
Honestly, it is surprising how many physical actions the human body carries out, automatically. I have become so used to thinking carefully about every action, throughout rehabilitation life, these thoughts never-end. I must have more reliable faith in my body, I have progressed so far, and I continue to do so. 

A beautiful 'Bauhaus Movement' twitpic...



Hospital life, was upsetting, because there were obvious disabilities, but new disabilities I also had, were discovered daily. My self-belief in my own abilities were decreasing, every day.
I spent most of the time, in hospital, searching for ‘positives’. 
I was lucky, I was only 22. I had to face these problems at ‘my physical peak’.  Both positive, and negative attributes could always be found.
I remember lying in hospital thinking ‘thank g*d I’m not older’.
I had completed my education.
I was at an age which would allow my body to cope with what was needed.
My girlfriend and I had such a good, close relationship (this kept me mentally strong).
I had achieved every goal that I had set myself.
I was not due to end.
I knew that I had a lifetime ahead of me. 22 is YOUNG!

Am i the only person who looks when crossing the road?
I am fortunate that I live independently. I am used to living away from care. I know my ‘Green Cross Code’...
Perhaps too well...
I feel surprised regularly by others’ basic inability to read traffic. I don’t drive, but I may understand cars well. I am careful.
If approaching a junction, on the pavement (I AM a pedestrian), I look towards any approaching traffic. This is a basic requirement of anyone, but “Oh, man!” There are so many able-bodied pedestrians, who take such unnecessary risks.  It seems that I am able to foresee too many dangers! I can't physically take risks. I don't want to anyway. 

It is likely that I may seem very ‘over-confident’, daring, self-assured, and unfortunately, maybe rude. However, I plead my innocence. Self-confidence is required by everyone, especially by those who face a detriment of an injury, or any sort of disability. Part of the reason why I write this blog, is to confidently, share my inner thoughts.
I have done so for almost eight years (almost 12 since accident)!
Truthfully, I am confident (I hope not ‘over-confident’). I am daring, and realise that I may seem very ‘self-assured’. These three attributes exist because they are necessary. Unfortunately they are all ‘hollow masks’. Each of the three are used by myself to hide an emptiness inside. Maybe, I will always be partly empty inside, but I know that part has grown and gained in such strength that, I previously, would not have been able to comprehend! This imbalance, equates.

Music saves the day, again!
:( 
discovery that my speakers were not properly playing stereo
So connected correctly and wailed in tune to 
‘Burn the witch’
Radiohead make everything good for me :)




UNO
I am a former World Champion, however only a few close family and close friends know this! Therefore, reliability of this claim could be doubted.
Anyway, I found an ‘online Uno’ version of this famous card game. I played, and soon found out the problem. There is no way I can ‘play my game’. Cheating is not possible. Therefore it was just a game of luck! Is this real UNO? I sulked, and quit. What is the point?



I remember regularly owning a strange feeling when cycling, throughout the years of my late teens/very early twenties. I was able to let my busy mind, break free, feeling such joy in turning the pedals and moving completely independently. I regularly had a bad feeling that things must equate...
‘I know that cycling is giving me so much to almost every part of my life. I am extremely grateful for this. How could I live my life, without ‘cycling’? I really don’t know, but then, I will always have ‘cycling’. The only way, it could leave, would be if I got injured... it could injure me. I must stop thinking like this!’

'Round are way' is such a brilliant B-side. Yes, it was originally only released as a B-side to the 'Wonderwall' single! Oasis had a supreme quantity of quality B-sides.



Round are way (b-side to ‘Wonderwall’)



How good is this? 
We (England) are still in the World Cup!
It is an international festival, every four years. The whole world celebrates together!
Welcome it.
Embrace it.
Love it!

World in motion


Friday, 15 June 2018

more, better...(recently edited)


I shared the above video with friends, this morning. Today does seem to provide us with beautiful weather, in London. 

No adverts
I have chosen to scrap commercial adverts from this blog. 
‘Executive decision’.
I do not really mind too much, how popular this blog is. It has always been a therapeutic tool for me to voice opinions and ideas, and I REFUSE TO TURN IT INTO A COMMERCIAL TOOL.
I enjoy the fact that certain companies have chosen to advertise through it, but this is MY blog, of which I should have 100% control.

Everybody always wants better
I believe that, fortunately, it is human nature to desire a progressive improvement of everything. To allow such an advance, humans must remain careful that Earth progresses as one. Every country lives and exists allowing a balance for Earth to progress. Such insular behaviour by any single country has the potential to knock this careful balance. Should the world reach such a state of imbalance, how will it manage to progress? This may be too scary to comprehend. We have progressed beyond the destructive, 20th century. Humanity has been shown how clever and powerful it is, but also how evil and harmful it can be, to itself! We are almost a fifth of the way through the following century, and some humans still get irritated by things as childish as ‘the colour of a nation’s passport’! We want more, better, more, better … forever. How can we do this? We must develop sustainable solutions to everything! We have the power to develop this, if we want it.

Everyone has a drive to improve their situation. Unfortunately, many seem incapable of considering ‘humanity’ as a whole, instead of just themselves.
_______________________ Donald Trump to the UK, and show him that there is sooooo much more to this entire world than he seems to give anyone outside USA, credit for. If the world is to develop sustainable power successfully (the need of which, is explained in previous paragraph),_____________________________________________________________. All of humanity should take less nationalistic pride, and must consider our entire world, as one.

Why have I picked such existentialist novels/authors?
Well, I am forever encountering an endless list of issues which I negatively, have to discount myself from. I cannot include myself, or even attempt to do so mentally.
I therefore have to maintain my confidence and self-belief, by ensuring that there is an opposing opportunity that I have/ or will be found. Personally i feel that, everything can be defined as existing first, then can be attributed various different positives/negatives, depending on different viewpoints.  Importantly, something exists. There may be MANY different ways of describing, or explaining it. 
A cube may be painted, or drawn or depicted in a number of different ways (so given different essences), but as long as it has existence as a three-dimensional object of six, square faces, it is a cube.
Hehehe, got it? There are always different ways of viewing something. It is up to us to find the best positive/negative way.   


Smashing Pumpkins 

I immediately messaged my old college friend, on hearing this new Smashing Pumpkins tune on BBC 6Music. I was at college in the opening years of this millennium, so I was already late-comer to the Pumpkins. I felt that I had missed much of Billy Corgan’s heroism.
Solara - The first recording in over 18 years to feature founding members Billy Corgan, James Iha, and Jimmy Chamberlin.



Some Thameslink trains stations
To my glee, I travelled on some ‘Thameslink’ trains recently. I have been planning my route, as I need to use ‘St Pancras International’, in a few weeks. Not every station has been built to new standards, but many stations do seem to be using such. The accessibility throughout, is incredible. When the train pulls in ready to board, the platform is marked for passengers, whereabouts they can expect the train’s doors to open.  The train arrives, and the soft, material bumper creates a bridge from platform to train. The train also has a lip from the doorways, strengthening this ‘bridge-way’. Obviously, the stations have been designed correctly, incorporating higher platform levels. There are no need for ramps. I inquired with station staff, and whilst it does seem ‘perfect’ theoretically, there have been some problems occasionally.  For instance, platform markings are not 100% accurate, although this doesn’t matter, as one can readily move up or down the platform to locate doors. I am sure there are other issues, as NOTHING is perfect.

The trains' protruding lip combined with the platform's soft, rubber cushion provides good access, to and from platform/train. 


The interior design of the train, is clear, wide, accessible, linking all carriages together. Very positive!




My coffee excuse
I drink an ‘above average’ amount of coffee. After progressing through and out of hospital and rehabilitation homes, I jumped at the offer of the amazing flat which I now inhabit in Surbiton. Awe was paid by others, as I welcomed the inclusion of an Induction-hob. It is a very good, flameless stove. A couple of years later, I found my suitable Bialetti Moka device. I could now make a beautiful espresso coffee. I think that Bialetti only make a 3-Cup Moka device compatible with an induction stove. Each coffee that I make using this method should include 3 shots of ground coffee. I put enough water in, for two cups, or three espresso, so I have one later! However, STRONG espresso are all I am able to make! Coffee shops will know that I usually just order a single espresso (with a glass of water). I recognise my addiction, but DO NOT want all of the other stuff in a ‘Extra-Hot, Super Skinny, De-Caff, Latte, with chocolate sprinkles, and marshmallows, TO-GO’! Grow up!

 A Single Espresso is one coffee. Britain, beware of your gluttony!


Friday, 8 June 2018

Just do it, sorry!


If you start a book, you MUST finish it.
I don’t like to be beaten. I have big trouble walking away from a problem. If one chooses to start a book, they shouldn’t quit.
... some books leave me feeling a wealth of satisfaction, but I have given up, half-way through books by Frank Kafka, and my latest Sartre text (an essay on the psychology of emotions)! Deep. I am troubled that they are only part-complete, so they go back-on-the-shelf. One day...

But the sun has successfully welcomed us Britons to the start of summer. (Written much earlier in the week)! This past week has tricked us again, and again, and again. We must hold onto any glimpse of sunny weather, and declare it as Summer, in Britain.

Victoria Park, Surbiton, is very close to my flat, and now regularly occupied with more, and more people enjoying the Sun.


The next note was written as ‘a blog note’, earlier in the week. A proper ‘Cafe Latte’ accompanies me as I write this post! I need to be psychologically prepared.
I like strong coffees. Milky coffees are always a disappointment.

Today is WorldOceansDay



'8 billion tons of plastic on the planet, 300 million tons of which are in the oceans. By 2050, plastic will outweigh the fish in the seas. We need to turn off the plastic tap and repair the damage'

Audience numbers have fallen. Reasons?
1 Inclusion of adverts.     Or...
2 Subject matter has been too deep.

But, I will keep true to the blog, as much as I can. It brings me great joy that ‘Campagnolo’ have advertised through this blog. Vicenza based, Italian cycling company advertise that they remain at the forefront of design (now offering 12speed gear-mechs). I used to use much of their equipment from wheels, through to the gear mechanics, on my Bianchi.  I endorse these companies, but I do not want to continue ‘littering’ my blog with adverts who have nothing to do with me!

My Bianchi was always ridden using a Campagnolo Veloce 10spd mech, 
and Campagnolo Scirocco G3 Wheels

Wilier Triestina and Campagnolo advertise a 12spd mech, on this blog.

I change my mind and attitude towards advertisements, regularly. No money is paid, so I really don't know. 

I read books, to ignore the close reality of ‘my world’.
I notice that when I didn’t begin my day with coffee and a book, instead ‘just coffee’, my mind isn’t taken away, it remains and I start thinking, about the future. I hate thinking about my personal future. 

I do not read too much fiction. My mind is too valuable to me, to be lost in someone else’s story (unless taught a concept). I enjoy working my brain to understand such brilliant concepts explained by various authors. I cannot live for my future, I cannot plan futures too far ahead. Live for NOW!

SORRY
A word that I use, oh so regularly. Too regularly. I was in Central London, on Tuesday. I got regularly told the following...
‘no, I’m sorry, don’t apologise’
Whilst, I realise that this is an instruction for me, I am able to learn from it that I have done nothing wrong! 
;)
I have recognition of the regular need to ‘Just do it’. ‘Do it’ and say sorry, if required. I am a brain-injured, disabled human, and so I always have to consider all of my actions, extremely carefully. If I don’t or cannot, I have no choice but to ‘just do it’(so I often feel the need to say 'sorry')!

Jazz king Kamasi Washington performs ‘Fists of Fury’ on Later... with Jools
(album ‘Heaven and Earth’ out 22nd June)

 How can I just ignore the fact that I may never feel like I fit in? For the past 11 years (or, since ‘awakening’) I have been aware that I am ‘not able’ (or ‘dis-abled’). My road ahead was going to be difficult, I knew this, was determined,  and self-confident of my mental ability. Life in a rehabilitation facility was tough, but I knew that I would get through it. I moved to live independently, successfully! My life was on a good path. Work, new friends, a relationship with a girlfriend, were all still possible. I looked forward to living independently. Physiotherapy is still received and is so important to my mind, body, and soul. I have worked (mostly voluntarily), as much as I have seen possible, always for a good, valuable job. I am not able to give my entire life to a 9-5 job, stuck behind a desk. I value my existence too much. My old friends have always stuck by me, and have been of great value. I do have a few new friends as well. I am 34 in a couple of months...
I want to carry on typing about what I need, but I stop myself, as I can’t face the whole problem, psychologically, again. It depresses me (which is not the purpose of this blog). I may omit this entire paragraph!


The World Cup starts next week. No Italy, but it will still be worth following. I am English.