furious at myself

 

Just as I recognise my need for some new music, I discover an email from Bandcamp.com, advertising a new, forthcoming release by the ‘Portico Quartet’.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk6g5rql1ww

‘Monument’ will be their second album release of the year, on 12.11.21. A link to listen to clips and pre-order…

https://porticoquartet.bandcamp.com/album/monument

121 121

I can’t plan anything big anymore 

I cannot think long-term

I just live day-by-day, and let my fate rule!

Just like everything else, there are two opposing responses…

If one starts to think long term, where does one stop? Tomorrow, next week, next year. 

On my own? 

What will my decision depend on, or effect? I can only think alone… Still?

I consider with immense pride my ‘independence’. 

But. I don’t want to be alone forevermore. 

But I will be a drain on anyone. I don’t want that. I do have self-pride though, I know that if I ever meet someone again, they will be the luckiest ever, and of that, I will make sure.

But how will I find someone? I have been on ‘internet dating’ websites for the past decade, having been on one date!

… So I cannot think about the future.

It is easier just to live for now! I smile, and people are happy! 

I am different, only by sitting in a chair. A chair which moves! I have progressed from living in hospitals and ‘in-care’, over a decade ago. I have progressed with my never-ending Physiotherapy (my slight ‘detour’ back into hospital was in 2019, but now I’m back on my ABI rehabilitation path). 

We all must live, and love everyday. To do this properly, we must live day-by-day. 

We should accept that FATE RULES. We cannot plan anything with 100% certainty. We must learn to accept our fate. We need to realise that everything can be viewed both positively, or negatively. 

The only choice we have is, on which aspect we decide to focus ourselves and experience more. 

Individually, we can only experience one, either positive or negative, but we must be able to recognise/acknowledge that the other exists or is possible (even if we don’t experience it ourselves). 

This morning I had my first visit to my ‘Neurogym’, for over two years. The gym has been closed throughout the pandemic, since 2020. I had been forced to miss many sessions in 2019, whilst I recover from my hip surgeries. Yet more surgery, on my broken ankle in late November 2019, required further time away from the Gym. 

This morning would be interesting!…

I started on the plinth, as this had always been my usual starting point of a ‘Gym session’ (I would always start with some stretches). 

Right, start with some sit-ups.

OK these are more difficult than I remember!

Hmmm

Just one. I couldn’t even do one! 

OH MANNNNN! 

I’ve put on weight, and now this… I can’t even do one sit-up!

:(

Just do a few basic low stretches. Train back at home.

I was furious at myself.

One more espresso on way back home.

I get back to my bedroom (still such fury and determination filling my head)…

Fifteen!… 

Bish Bash Bosh,

Bish Bash Bosh 

Bish Bash Bosh

Bish Bash Bosh

Bish Bash Bosh

OK, I’m calm now! I must keep that up!

I honestly cannot find a valid reason of my different performances, other than my psychological determination!