... Life After Traumatic Acquired Brain Injury...
patrick.goodacre@yahoo.co.uk
Welcome to my blog. I post on this, roughly once a week (it does vary). I sustained a 'Traumatic Acquired Brain Injury', and a six month coma from a 'road traffic accident' whilst cycling, in October 2006. I spent the following 4 years (22-26yrs old), in a combination of hospitals and rehabilitation homes. Now, I have been living independently in Surbiton, England since October 2010. This blog begun life in December 2010, as i realised that there are many people worldwide that i want to share experiences with. I know that, as a wheelchair user, I am obviously not as mobile as i wish, so, use the internet to connect to you. I enjoy letting my thoughts represent through type. I type honestly. As numerous readers, as well as email recipients, will understand, I find typing to be very therapeutic. Thank you :)
Please note that this website cannot be viewed 100% successfully everywhere. It is designed for optimum viewing on a screen of 1920 x 1080 pixels.
Fortunately I have been notified of a couple of corrections to mistakes that I had made to 'my story', in the post below... 1) I was not applied the head shunt on the scene of accident (this was done later, once in hospital). Dr Orwin intubated me (applying an access point for oxygen into my throat). Without this... Too scary to consider! 2) I spelt 'Addenbrookes hospital' wrong! Sorry for the mistakes, I wasn't there (well, i was, but...)
The popularity on Surbiton pages of Facebook, of this blog, is a complete surprise to me! A very welcome surprise, thank you!
Over 800 page views in two days. Whilst I realise that this does not mean '800 different viewers', it does signify to myself that this is an extensive archive of many of my mental patterns since 2010. I have accurately recorded 'highs' and 'lows', with fluctuations in between, of this new life. A new life, that i had forever feared as a keen cyclist, but have been forced to accept, and will forever need to learn to live in.
A quick story of 'me and the bike’…
A late learner, but more than made up for the few years behind...
I cannot remember exactly which year, but I do remember that I was a late-learner(maybe 9 or 10 years old), learning to ride a bike as a child. I do have a memory of impersonating Chris Boardman(minus 'superman' aero position obviously), recognising his success in his first Tour de France prologue (1994).
'Cycling' was me.
I rapidly realised that this was 'my sport'. I enjoyed football, but could tell that my lightweight, slim physique meant I could not compete confidently with the rest of the school football team. Long legs allowed me to run fast, but I realised that I was more suited to cycling.
Everything.
Cycling is a very lonesome sport. However, I enjoyed mountain biking with friends. We went to the French Alps, and I fell in love with it. Cycling was meant for me. I crashed a few times, when descending on technical descents, but I didn't care because I knew how strong I was going uphill! Road cycling was calling me.
After college, I switched to the road (which suited me a lot more).
Mountain bikes were good, but not perfect. In late 2002 I bought my Bianchi road bike (a '2003 SL3'). Proper cycling now! I had watched 'The Tour of Britain' pass through my University town of Loughborough, with my girlfriend in Birmingham, but it wasn't until the final stage in London did I get my replica jersey to be signed by my great hero, Michele Bartoli!
No more crashes.
I graduated in 2005. Road cycling was so much easier. I had no fear of crashing. I had finished the cycling club at university, and was now 100% focussed on road-cycling, a member of London Dynamos.
2006.
The biggest year of my life. I was employed by 'The Sustainable Design Research Team' of Kingston University/Westfocus. I studied my 'Graduate Degree for Design in Visual Communications', part-time at The London College of Communication. I was still very close to my good girlfriend who was studying in Birmingham. My sporting passion was peaking. I raced in early spring, but then switched my focus to the Alps! For many years I had dreamt of watching the Tour de France, in the mountains. I booked my trip, in early spring.
TdF
July arrived. Shocked and surprised, but not really. There was an endless list of drugs problems in my sport. I was fully aware and had done plenty of reading to form my own valid opinions! Alpe D'Huez. Probably the most legendary, iconic climb of all. 13km at an average of 8.1%. 21 Hairpins. I was sooooooo happy. It was hard cycling, but I enjoyed the climbing and the experience powered me along, there was no way I wanted to stop/slow down. Once climbed, hours were spent waiting and watching the Tour de France arrive which was mirrored the following day up at La Toussuire. Less of a climb but still an Alpine brute of a stage finish!
I was in peak form as a cyclist, I knew it, and I loved it!
August 11th, I turned 22.
October 2006
Stephen Roche (Sun Oct 1st)
I journeyed to Paris with my London Dynamo friends (Christian and James Kinmont, John Witts, and Dr John Orwin), on Saturday. Sunday, we rode the Stephen Roche cyclosportif. I was anxious about it's length. At around 160km (100miles), I had never cycled so far. Up mountains, yes, but this distance? No. It went well and left me feeling confident that this distance was no issue.
Birmingham (Oct 7/8)
The following weekend, I was in Birmingham to visit my girlfriend. A good weekend. We were both happy. I was close to finishing my course (had successfully done all work). I told my girlfriend that I was feeling a bit lost, having finished my course, ended my cycling season, what shall we do next?
Third weekend - Saturday (Oct 14)
Hmmm. As usual on a Saturday morning, I was cycling around Richmond Park in an anti-clockwise direction, with my club 'London Dynamos'. I was in a group of 12, cycling two-abreast, relaying the pace-setting, in a 'through-and-off' way. Near Roehampton Gate, we approached the rear of a group of rollerbladers. I had to swerve and fell off. The first time ever, I had an accident on my road bike! I had fallen off! Immediately, aware of the danger, I scrambled to kick my bike out of the way. The car hit me. I was out. I owe my life to friends Christian Kinmont and John Orwin who were close cycling friends, doctors/surgeons, and cared for me immediately. I am told that John Orwin actually managed to apply a shunt into my head to relieve pressure from my swelling brain*. I remained in a medically induced coma, and a 'minimally conscious state' until the spring of 2007. I had been admitted to Charing Cross hospital, at first, then moving to Adam Brookes **(Cambridge), and then the Royal Hospital for Neuro-Disability in Putney. My rehabilitation was about to begin.
2007 in hospital (until October 8th 2007)
2008 to 2010 in Rehabilitation Home (until October 2010)
I've only just realised…
my accident was the day after Friday 13th!
I used to be superstitious, but now...?
I have provided the following links to posts of this blog. Most are selected by myself as 'key highlights'. Others are selected to provide a broad chronological base. The penultimate address given, is a post of my letter to my Tory MP, unsurprisingly, no response. Jobs lost (IDS), but no response!
I have deleted notes that I just made, Tuesday morning. I was feeling down.
CaffeAmici macchiato
I hate myself being in a bad mood. I realise this, and force myself to smile, lifting myself out of it. I leave the cafe smiling!
EEEK... Mood swing!! Positive ;)
I am above feelings of despair. The topic of 'girls' is depressing. So, best to just forget, ignore, continue to live life.
live to
EXPERIENCE
not to
EXPECT
Don't waste time, living for the future. The future only ever exists as a concept. In reality, tomorrow never exists now.
EXPERIENCE THE NOW
Our existence is too special to waste time expecting or predicting the future. We must live for now, experiencing as much as we can, to the fullest we can. No one can accurately predict the future.
I feel love for Surbiton!
(Screenshot from 'intro' to Stella Street)
So does Mick, Keef, Jack, Joe, Michael, and the rest!
;)
Stella Street
My school friends will know how much I loved this series on TV.
Obviously this is a very introspective blog. I am clearly typing now, mainly using it as therapy for myself. I am sorry, therefore, you will find me moaning about issues that i face. It is perhaps not ‘positive’ enough for you all. If you want my positive outlook, start reading from the beginning!
I will continue to act how I see fit! If I want to give someone my praise, I will.
It is an advantage that I have, I HAVE to use it wisely.
I am told it is a good 'plus'. Girls always seem pleasantly surprised by receiving such compliments.
"It is much better than yelling out of a car."
Hehehe...
I have an aching inside of me. In only a few months time, it will have been a decade since my accident. I have battled so far through my rehabilitation process, mentally strong. I have known that physical recovery is a lifelong task. It is a challenge but I have always been determined. Determination and pure self-belief were skills enhanced as a cyclist. I am not currently financially employed. This does annoy me, but I remain proud of what jobs I do voluntarily. I don’t feel totally confident, being able to work at some locations required, in a full-time, 9-5 job. I do what i can, confident in the quality of work that i produce. Third, massive hole, girls. This is what is hurting me the most. I do not hide from this sad fact. I have not been with a partner in almost ten years. I have not been kissed by anyone, for a tenth-of-a-century (family maybe, early on, minimally conscious, i don’t know)!
If talking about this concept to anyone, I explain that this is the reason why it will be so good if it ever happens again. I cannot wait forever, so 'if'. Maybe I have no choice. How long is forever?
Sorry to bring the mood down! Please have no fear. Shit happens.
I have extremely high standards. I want the best. I know this and I am incredibly proud. My mind cannot accept anything else. I know who I am, and I am still waiting, but lets face it, i know how to do that!
The closely approaching prospect of Donald Trump becoming the most powerful man in the world, dangerously propped by a willing British witch (MAYbe), is utterly terrifying for all global inhabitants. The success of the Conservatives, and UKIP, is sooooo depressing for me. Caroline Lucas' plea for a fair, 'Proportional Representation' electoral system, was totally squashed by Parliament, signifying that the UK could be locked under the rule of just two political parties forever.
It can be argued that both Boris Johnson and Donald Trump, are very similar. Both target their nation's patriots, citing immigration as a reason to fear a multi-cultural society. Both politicians act foolishly, to engage EVERYONE. They then use fear of the new/unknown, to gain votes for themselves. Once they have gained power they will seriously diminish (or reverse) our evolution of multi-cultural societies. Wars will be fought.
I am in a strange mood, at the moment, as I really am unsure about my current positive/negative balance.
My initial music purchase this week was the latest release of eclectic composer Nils Frahm. The totally instrumental, 11-track album 'Erased Tapes - Collection VII', is a masterpiece, superb as background music, but deep enough to enjoy when listened to.
'On your own. Hmmm. Can you manage?''
'Yeah, you?'
I was approached and checked-up on, by an old lady in the supermarket. I responded quickly, but it was only later that I actually review the situation.
Maybe my response was too abrupt, if received harshly. It was not, so it is ok. I was able to see, once again, that EVERYONE may want to help me.
Negatively, it is yet more proof that most people consider themselves superior and that they should help someone who is so obviously in need. Me?
Positively, the old lady meant no harm whatsoever. I have improved, and am now able to do so much (more than people expect), independently.
YOU refill concept
On my shopping list was a new 'kitchen spray cleaner'. I travel down the supermarket aisle. I move past the wipes (they are totally unethical, so no). It is much more sustainably sensible to tackle this problem ecologically. Recyclable, sustainably produced paper towel, and a spray (so only use however much is needed).
Anyway, another issue that troubles me is the waste of contaminated plastic bottles, containing the spray. I was attracted by this concept.
When the spray runs out, there is no need to buy another whole bottle, just buy a cheap refill solution, mix with water, and use your old spray bottle!
Music. The album is unreleased, as yet. 16th of September. He is not keen on performances. The music is amazing.
My other purchase of the week was a newly released, acoustic version of her album 'Happenstance'. This is a new version, but the album was originally released in 2003. I admit that it could be considered very 'girly', I was head-over-heels, in love with a girlfriend, at time of original release. However, this more tame, acoustic version is brilliant too.
Rachael Yamagata
I am alarmed.
I am astounded by the alarm that I feel. Moving along the street, bumpy pavement, I carefully negotiate. I await, letting a girl through the gap between lamp-post and some rubbish bins. I move on, approaching the corner, where I need to cross. But wait! I reverse to double check. Yes, it is me who I see in the reflection of this big window! Oh no. Damn, I am in a wheelchair. That is what EVERYONE sees of me. It is no wonder that you don't have a girlfriend. I wouldn't fall for a wheelchair and they inevitably exist always with a wheelchair-user. Problem.
My big mouth
I am stopping myself from seemingly randomly flirting with girls who I don't know. I state this on my blog to make it a law. I am 'banning' these flirts. I have always deserved more than belittling myself. The problem is that I know that girls must see that I have such low self-regard/self-esteem. I deserve the best. I know that the best is out there. Good things come to those who wait. Ten years is longer than 118 seconds, but then I am not after a perfect Guiness! Well...
The previous two notes are linked. Most of you are astounded by my outright dare of seemingly random, flirtatious comments. They were not random, I offered my thoughts only to those who I thought deserved such. It hurts me to stop this ability, banning myself, but maybe I do have some self-pride. I don't know. I have been unsuccessfully offering compliments for the past decade. I have nothing to show for being so 'positive'. The 'reflection' note above hurts me, reminding me of just who I am, and how I am seen by everybody in the real world. We just must accept our fate, and wait for things to happen. How much longer can I wait?
Alabama 3 perform the original, used in the opening of the greatest TV show that ever existed!
I feel that they're both as powerful as each other, but only if you are correctly balanced. Achieving examples of both will prove this to you, and your self-confidence will grow as you learn that you are comfortably in the middle. In the middle, avoiding falling either way to an extremity.
Positive people induce a smile. There is nothing better! :)
Last Friday night counts as this week (for this blog). It left me wearing a seemingly indefinite smile (in my head). I do not know who reads this, but I want to say thank you!
Saturday, was the start of 'Le Tour'. Well done Mark Cavendish. Three stage wins, already, in the first week, explains clearly to everyone, who the fastest sprint cyclist is!
Thursday's stage win, into Montauban. Screenshot of Eurosport coverage.
LeTour pulls me out of the cafe!
Very, very few things have this strength over me, but I must watch it.
Cycling
Never accurate, but I was always predicting that a bad accident of huge magnitude, would befall me. I obviously could not predict when. I was able to recognise that 'cycling' was such a huge part of my life, providing endless positives to me, how would I exist without this? My prediction proved accurate, increasing my belief that 'positives' = 'negatives', but also maintaining vital self-belief (which has been required so far, and will continue to be, throughout my life).
The photo above shows the wonderful note made for me, that I have kept on my noticeboard, ever since being given it in my Rehabilitation Home, 6 years ago (Their local cat remains, as well)!
I have developed so far from life in hospital. My heart goes out to everyone who has helped me along the way. I have long known that ‘recovery is not a destination, recovery is a journey.’ I realise that current life may not be progressing at the mega-fast rate it has done previously. I comfortably know however, that, I am forever progressing. Life is a beautiful, mystical thing that no-one will ever understand fully. We must just enjoy the experience and remember how lucky we all are. We cannot take it for granted!
I now express a fear, a political fear. People who know me, will know my political leanings!
By further reading of this blog, you will know that I am a good member of the Green Party, employed by them on a voluntary basis. Before I joined the Greens in 2015, I had always voted for Labour, siding with 'the Left'.
Now, everyone is able to see that this country's political system is struggling. There is a scary alliance of 'Right/Far-Right' groups. It seems that there is a recognition of this, amongst 'Left-wing' political parties. The alliance of these Political Parties, is so vital. It scares me that this is what is felt needed to battle the opposing views.
People’s Progressive Alliance
Everything in me wants to embrace this, but I halt in fear. A fear that the development of such alliances, will narrow down our country into a division of two parties. You are either Left or Right. The magnificent situation that this country has found itself in, is by having such an extensive range of political views, a true democracy is possible. We must not fall down into a civil-war.
I am so sorry. I am seriously embarrassed. The map of the race route, that I provided yesterday was wrong! :( The correct map is above! It can be found at the following link... Le Tour
break-away artist
Riding alone on and on and on...
I have fans willing me on. I have escaped from anonymity. I continue on, battling alone. No one to ride with. No one to help me, no one to slow me. I test myself against myself. Further on, I will need help. I cannot survive alone. Life is a long race, without an end. I am proud, at my success so far, but I am scared of how much further i have to manage alone.
Was this always my destiny? Could I forsee it?
Hmmm...
Many close friends/family will already know how much of 'arrogant b*****d' I can be. If I view people that I do not like, I am very used to keeping my thoughts internal. Have forever done so, and now I regularly have thoughts/opinions and always quickly see how 'everything is equal'! I miss out on so much, but how much do I actually choose to miss? I have unbelievable advantages, and so cannot complain. Only I know the details. I cannot share with anyone. The total misery, I used to feel, was much of life in the rehab home. Many would class all us patients together, which was totally heartbreaking. I was always reliant on my own mental strength. Everyone is different.
I now live alone, so cannot blame anyone.
Omertà, the law of silence! I must do this alone.
I do not want to blame anyone for anything. I am riding alone, it is how a cyclist exists.
Eventually, i pray, i will not be alone.
Muse Glastonbury
...The greatest current rock band.
One of the many female artists who I listen to a lot...
A couple of years ago, I went to her amazing performance at Somerset House, London...
Ok, I mean cake or biscotti. As I type this, I am eating lunch with a coffee (which I must allow for)!
I notice how regularly I eat these biscotti (at least daily), in the evening with my coffee). Tasty, but unnecessary. No more.
By stating this law on my blog, means that I have to stick to it!
An example of how our stupid British political movement, is viewed from across the globe...
quote from the Sydney Morning Herald:
Brexit (verb): the resultant effect when those waiting for the trickle down benefits of globalisation get tired of waiting.
Midweek, I noticed that this blog reached a page view count of 35,000. ;)
This makes me greatly happy. I have kept this blog alive for 5.5 years. II have been tempted to include adverts, and earn money from such. However I want to keep this blog entirely personal, and not dirty it.
35k in 5.5years
This coming August, I am 32! Yikes!
Half of my life is 16 years. Sixteen years (half of my life) ago, was 2000.
The Tour de France visited one of the most feared mountains, conquered by the greatest ever climber, Marco Pantani.
Nowhere near as steep as L'Alpe D'Huez, but Le Geant de Provence is about 10km further in distance!
The Somme
Commemorations are being held in the UK and France to mark the centenary of the start of the Battle of the Somme. The nation fell silent to mark the moment on 1 July 1916 when the battle began and the start of the bloodiest day in British military history. A ceremony at the Lochnagar crater on the battlefield was held and on Thursday night the Queen attended a vigil at Westminster Abbey. More than a million men were killed and wounded on all sides in the WW1 battle. The Battle of the Somme, one of World War One's bloodiest, was fought in northern France and lasted five months, with the British suffering almost 60,000 casualties on the first day alone. (Thank you to bbc.co.uk)
Dark days in Britain currently. We all need to believe of a positivity in our futures.
Wonderful words of Caroline Lucas MP (Green Party):
My six point plan to start to mend post-referendum Britain
A week ago we woke up in a different Britain. For those of us who believe Britain's future lies in our EU membership, it was a devastating shock, and for everyone who believes in a multicultural society the last week has been deeply alarming.
I’m really worried about our country – and I know that people up and down Britain fear for the future.
Not only are we now on course for serious economic turmoil but our politics is broken too.
When we should be uniting and showing leadership, much of what I see around me in Westminster is squabbling and rivalry. It's not good enough when people are struggling to get by after years of austerity and when the country is divided.
I’m specifically concerned about what these political divisions mean for fallout from the referendum. That’s why, in the coming months it falls upon us, the Green Party, to put forward a positive vision of what a post-referendum Britain could look like.
Today I’m publishing my six point emergency response plan. It sets out the immediate and urgent steps we should take and how we can start to best protect our country against the potential damage caused by Brexit. My plan is below. It’s only a start, of course, and in the coming weeks and months we will be inviting our many thousands of members – including the 2000 who have joined since the referendum – in shaping our plans.
We need:
1) A General election this year so people can choose the Government they want to represent them in the negotiations to come. The current Government has no mandate for negotiations.
2) A Parliamentary vote on any ‘terms of exit’ BEFORE invoking Article 50. This stops a small cabal at the top of Government having total control over this country’s future place in the world.
3) The protection of free movement within the EU, strong environmental protections, workers rights and the Single Market. We're working with a range of environment NGOs and other experts to identify ways to best protect vital Green legislation
4) A second referendum on the terms of a final deal. Britain decided to leave the EU, but nobody knew what kind of Brexit was on the ballot paper. It’s only right that we’re all given a say.
5) An emergency law which guarantees the rights of non-British nationals already living here in Britain. No one who has come here to make a life for themselves should feel threatened by Brexit.
6) The protection of young people’s future. 75% of young people who voted chose to remain. It’s only right that the Government should now guarantee continued funding for Erasmus, student exchanges and EU funded schemes targeted at young people.
The Green Party will also be standing up to racism and xenophobia wherever it occurs. We have a proud history of fighting bigotry and our elected politicians across the country will be working alongside others in our communities in the coming weeks and days to make sure everyone feels safe, secure and welcome.
When others are divided we will unite to oppose Trident renewal, hold Ministers to account as the Chilcot Inquiry is published and bring legislation to Parliament which will distribute the benefits of migration to all communities in Britain.
And we'll be working hard to rebuild our economy and our democracy so that both wealth and power are fairly and equally shared.
In a time of crisis we stand up for people, and for our environment. It’s no wonder that new members are joining the party at a rate of almost one per minute.
But to really make an impact we need your help. I’m urging people to join the many who have already signed up for Green Party Membership in the last few days. We rely on our members to make the stand against the Government that’s so desperately needed. We’re committed to working across party lines to challenge the Establishment – but we can only build those bridges upon solid foundations.
