perceptions...

I start this week's post, incorporating two notes that contrast. My first note concerns a fairly serious matter -

Equality is a very wide issue. Personally it was a big Internal mental issue.

Perhaps the main issue that a lot of disabled, wheelchair users face, is public prejudice and issues of equality. I now can look back in hindsight that it was a problem of massive proportions of mine. Not only was I dealing with trying to face the facts of my disability, possibly more damaging was my need to deal with 'equality issues'. Most people treat wheelchair users with upmost priority, but this can have a detrimental effect. 

Now that I am free to live how I want (out of rehabilitation homes), I can review with immense pride. I am still physically disabled, needing a wheelchair, but I live independently, knowing that no-one knows. Only I know me!

Now, the second, more light-hearted note. I type this with embarrassment.

The rectangle conundrum...

I was lying in bed, in the dark, my eyes closed. My head was facing directly up. I envisaged a shape, a flat rectangle. I then rolled my heads to the side, but could still envisage this rectangle in my head. Eyes still shut. But I decided that I must have flipped this rectangle, as my head was now on its side. I then moved back thinking about this again and again. Then I fell asleep!

Everything is a perception. Everything is different because every viewer is different.

My mentality as a cycling fan was that everyone cheats. Everyone cheats.

I cannot continue this.

I may be correct, but I cannot think so poorly of everyone/everything.

Everyone needs to believe in success.

I maintain by telling that I am a cyclist. It is obvious to people that I cannot cycle properly, as I am in a wheelchair. It should be recognised, however, that I still proudly own my bike (part of me), and I still have the mentality of a cyclist. By this, I do not mean that I regularly check tyre pressures! Part of me still exists, which is the desire for improvement, suffering alone, and conquering obstacles faced by slogging away with determination. I have read so many texts on the history of the professional sport (many autobiographies), getting much joy that I have or currently still do experience/d similar emotions to these heroes.

I am home, but I am lost. I need something to happen, I cannot continue waiting. I smile but I am successfully masking my inside.  I work, but voluntarily. I cannot force things to happen, fate rules. Honestly, I don't know whether I want a girlfriend now, I could never provide like I would wish...

Aaaaw I should shut up!

Of course I want/need a partner as much as the next person! I have tried internet dating, but I tell the truth in my profiles - I need a wheelchair. This must eliminate atleast half of potential. The crazy thing is, I know how amazingly special it is to be in love. I need to meet people, new people. However, new people don't know my past, old people don't know me now. No one knows :s!!!

ah, stop moaning! I stop. Sorry.

Things will change. Happy new year! :)