Why do I smile?

 Why do I smile?

I often hesitate as I’m halfway down the street, I realise that I’m smiling. Whilst this is obviously a good thing, I do recognise that I am standing out, different! I fear that my smile is viewed as that of a ‘crazed, mad, disabled nutcase!’ 

I trust that this is not usually the case. I smile because I am on a journey. A progressive journey, on which I can regularly review from where I have begun. Around another hairpin, I reflect on the steep slopes starting my climb. There are still plenty of corners ahead but not as steep as I have already conquered!

(I’m honestly also smiling to raise my cheeks and keep my glasses straight)!

;)

I used the restriction on excursions, of COVID lockdowns, to return to teaching myself Italian. I had been learning basics, before my accident in 2006. I happily received a new notification on Monday…

I just got a perfect lesson… writing in Italian ‘There was a bag full of blood’

C’era una borsa piena di sangue

Duolingo obviously doesn’t know my history! My history being a fan of a very troubled sport, professional cycling and blood-doping in the decade surrounding ‘the Festina Affair 1998’!

A lifelong fan of the greatest band in the world, Radiohead, I have long been a member of ‘the Radiohead Fans Group’ Facebook page. When i was faced with a post asking for my opinion on Radiohead’s most underrated track, I knew immediately which i would choose. Although it was included on the recent ‘OKnotOK’, I was in love with the relatively unknown ‘Palo Alto’ (a ‘B-side’ of Airbag…How am I driving EP) having bought it in 2002! To pleasant surprise, my comment was ‘liked/agreed/confirmed’ by Colin Greenwood (Radiohead bassist).

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21TmsT1qsPo

My mental state was regularly built invincible, whilst I cycled individually. My mind was so self-conflicted.

I loved the fact that cycling meant so much to me. I loved cycling. FACT. This was a fact. It seemed to give me so much. I knew this, I loved it, but it also troubled me. What had I lost to it…(positives ALWAYS equal negatives)? 

I always had a huge underlying fear, that something would happen. I ignored this ‘irrational fear’. Whatever, there’s nothing I could do. 

I decided that I best carry on enjoying it! My mental state was strengthened incredibly, once I lay awake from my coma… I had proved myself correct! I was injured, ‘permanently disabled’ (according to doctors). I smiled, content that I was already recovering.

I had achieved all that I had aimed to by this young age. Everyone should just stop for a moment, and reflect at what they have achieved in the past decade. 

Well done! Be happy with yourself! You have achieved so much in recent years. Yes, you may still have targets/aims ahead, but we ALL develop with time. It is mind-blowing to think what you didn't have ten years ago! But you managed, and progressed like EVERYONE ELSE.

Use the above Italics for yourself.

Be happy.

 

Happiness will reach you.

The good will out.

Yes, it is an incredibly difficult journey, but, life is difficult for everyone in different ways. I immediately knew that I must keep my mind content. I knew that I had lost so much, or alternatively… ‘I had lost very little, just ‘potential’ (which is actually nothing in the present)’. 

Everyone has potential, but what happens once they reach their potential? The difficult thing is, that I cannot know my future, but who can?

The good will come out.